Cricket relieving itself

As news begins to slowly trickle out about the latest goings on within the English cricket team, I feel the need for some relief. As long ago as the late 19th century, the great Yorkshire left arm spin bowler Bobby Peel was summarily dismissed from the county by the then autocratic Chairman Lord Hawke. In those rather more dignified times, the reason given was "relieving himself in a socially unacceptable manner". Peel had indeed answered the call of nature on the hallowed turf at Headingley while under the influence of a skin full of beer. No respecter of authority he. Only a couple of weeks ago, the left arm spin bowler, Monte Panesar effectively ruled himself out of selection for the final Ashes Test match at the Oval. Allegedly, he was observed to be urinating over some night club bouncers. It is difficult to be certain here but I believe he was ruled out of contention for the urination rather than the being drunk outside a nightclub. It is interesting to note that both cricketers alluded to thus fat have both been slow left arm spinners - is there an association I wonder? The England cricket team having retained the Ashes were clearly either so surprised or so excited that they took it upon themselves to emulate the actions of Peel over a century ago. It seems as though Panesar's error lay in urinating before the match rather than after it. Because it seems as though several players were employed on this occasion, it seems unlikely that all will be dropped. In these permissive times they will probably be implored to try and use a toilet in future provided it's not too much trouble. Peel was an amateur inn the old fashioned tradition. Cricket was his livelihood so his actions cost him dear. The current England players are all professionals playing in the much hyped and over salaried professional era. "At no time did we ever intend to cause offence to people invlolved in the game we love" proclaimed the Press statement. Quite. It makes me wonder what they might have resorted to if they had intended to cause offence. The mind boggles. The words of their statement sound somewhat hollow to put it mildly. Meanwhile back in the Australian camp, no less a good sport than Shane Warne proclaims that their actions were "crass" and "arrogant". There can be few people better qualified to pass judgement on these two attributes. Had he been able to resist the temptation to get another headline, the Australians would have been going in to a home Ashes series with their form in the ascendency against an England team who have underperformed both during and outside the hours of play. Putting the remarks of Warne to one side though, the Australians started the series in the worst possible way with the indiscretions of David Warner. They have since redeemed themselves well and have been extremely unlucky to go down 3-0 in a series which was much closer than thet. In truth, Warner should not, as a purported professional player, have been in that bar in that state at that late hour - and neither should Joe Root or Stuart Broad. The books will show that Root had one decent innings in five test matches. This is hardly the sort of form which merits late night drinking sessions. As captain of the T20 England team, Broad displayed his immaturity for such a role. Monte Panesar must be rueing the injustice of it all as his international future lies in tatters while his England colleagues appear to be above sanction. This was not a classic Ashes series by a long chalk. It began with much talk of the "worst Australian team to come to England". If they were, they found themselves in good company because Bell aside, not one of the England top six averaged over 50. There was much to lament from both the England batsmen and bowlers. It was a great irony that in the last match, England picked a spin bowler who they couldn't bowl because he just wasn't good enough. Oh for Panesar..I would say that this was possibly the weakest Australian side to come here since the 1985 team captained by the plucky Alan Border. On that occasion, Gower, Gatting and Robinson all scored well for England and the bowling was dominated in the end by the masterclass of swing bowling by the Kent all-rounder Richard Ellison. Having said that, Gower and co made their runs against Jeff Thomson ten years after his pomp and Geoff Lawson who had to bowl more as a stock bowler than as a strike bowler due to the lack of options elsewhere. My advice to both England and Australian teams after being subjected to this sub standard display would be to get out of the bar and in to the nets. Every action of every England player will be scrutinised now from the moment they land in Australia to the moment they leave and they can have nobody to blame but themselves. They are usually the first to bemoan a lack of quality time to themselves while on tour. I suspect they can now kiss goodbye to that because there are few institutions more unforgiving than the Australian Press..